Let's talk about consideraton. (Or, my first relationship crashes and burns)
by, 12-09-09 at 02:17 AM (1006 Views)
But, rather than using positive statements, weíre going to do this by enumerating what consideration is not.
Consideration is not running in and out of the room in the middle of the night when the other person is trying to sleep. Especially when they have to get up before seven in the morning to do a big final presentation at 8:00AM.
Consideration is not staying with someone for two and a half months when you know you donít have any romantic feelings towards them. When you know you donít even want to be dating, you should immediately break it off. This is called ďstringing them alongĒ and itís a douchebag move.
Consideration sure as hell is not sticking with someone while you undeniably like someone else.
Consideration is not lying about the reason youíre breaking up.
Consideration is not dating someone else two fucking weeks after you break up even when the other person is still a wreck.
So let me paint you a picture. Two people meet. They are both charmed from the get-go. They start dating. I know you probably already see the flaw in this beginning - shouldnít they have waited to build a stronger bond? Probably. Anyway. These two people are relatively different, emotionally speaking, but at least one of them is sure itíll work out.
This one person is really emotionally invested in the relationship. He had a rough time in high school emotionally because all he ever wanted was someone to like him the same way he liked them. Not too much to ask for, right? When youíre gay, it is.
Imagine this personís (person A) surprise when he gets to college and finds that someone! Person B is adorable; heís super smart, witty, attractive - an all around good guy. Heís a little stoic emotionally, but for the most part he seems genuinely interested in person A. Maybe person A was just naive and there was never such a spark or connection, but thatís a moot point now.
Person A is ecstatic! Heís the happiest heís ever, ever been. Everything that heís ever wanted is actually a reality. There are bouts of jealousy, but he talked through them with Person B and was able to work through problems. Person A likes to do cutesy romantic things - nothing big, stuff like writing small notes while Person B isnít there or hold hands, or an occasional kiss out of nowhere. Person B apparently isnít into those things, but the relationship goes on relatively smoothly.
Thereís one little quirk that bothers Person A for a while, however. Person B has expressed an interesting intrigue in Person C. He does semi-cutesy things with him that he never did with Person A. He seemed genuinely happier and more interested in Person C than Person A. Person A, a bit worried and perplexed (as is his nature) confronts Person B, who insists that he and Person C are just friends. Theyíre just good friends. Person A has zero reason to believe heís lying, so he drops it and the relationship continues.
And then it comes to a grinding halt.
Person A and Person B break up. For the most part, itís mutual and Person B cites emotional incompatibility causing problems in the future. Person A canít fault Person B for this - itís simply a difference in the natures of the two people. No oneís fault, itís legitimate.
This does not, however, mean that Person Aís feelings for Person B immediately dissipate. Person A had been emotionally invested in this person for two and a half months, and shared EVERYTHING with him. He was his first boyfriend, first everything. He was the first time Person A didnít feel completely and utterly unlovable and alone in this shitty world. Person A was genuinely happy with Person B, and while the alleged reason was legitimate, it still hurt. Which is legitimate.
So, imagine how Person A felt when Person B reveals that after the initial charm factor wore off, he didnít feel anything for Person A other than a friend. He didnít have the emotions towards Person A that one generally finds with a serious relationship. How do you think Person A felt when he found out that the entire last two and a half months had been a lie? Person A was so convinced and happy that he found someone who liked him back, and it turns out he never had that. How do you think he felt? He felt like utter, worthless trash.
Imagine further how Person A felt when he found out that, for all intents and purposes, Person B had that same charm-driven attraction to Person C for the majority of his relationship with Person A. And just imagine for me how person A feels now that a mere two weeks after they broke up, Person B and Person C are together.
Person A has been a wreck. Why? He was lied to for two and a half months. He was misled to believe that he had a legitimate relationship with someone, when the whole time Person B had feelings for someone else. And, a mere two weeks after breaking up, Person B is with Person C. Neither Person B nor Person C see any problem with this. They are not sympathetic to the fact that Person A was completely fucked over and is still reeling from that fact. They are happy together, and thatís all that matters to them.
It feels like shit. It feels like shit knowing that the real reason we broke up was not because we were ďemotionally incompatibleĒ but because he was trying to become available to pursue his real interest - Person C. If the emotionally incompatible bullshit were true, he would NEVER be attracted to Person C, because Person C is on the same emotional plane as Person A. Iím calling out your bullshit, Person B.
I am not happy for them, nor will I ever be. I want their relationship to crash and fucking burn, and I donít care if that makes me a terrible person. Iím not going to do anything to sabotage it or anything, Iím not a douche. But if and when that time comes, when they fail together, I will have zero sympathy. I will have absolutely no sympathy for them.
And as for person B, I have lost all my respect for him. He lied, manipulated my emotions, and used me as a wrung to elevate himself to what he truly wanted. I wanted to be friends with him after we broke up, but I honestly donít know how that is possible at the moment. I see them fawn over each other and I get sick to my stomach. Iíve been surrounding myself with other people, better people, and Iím trying to just move on.
And you know what really fucking sucks? Even though I deserve better than him, and even though he was a completely prick to me, I canít stop feeling for him. I canít stop my emotions. I deserve so much better - everyone does. I will find that person, and I will be happy.
But right now, I just need some fucking help getting through this.