SaoirseWaveglow

So...

I don't really know what to say about what's been going on. In all honesty, I spent most of my weekend freaking out, because a) me and this guy like each other, but due to a whole shitload of shit that happened back in 2008, I can't do distance, and I know he can't either, and that just hurts. b) is the reason I spent most of my weekend wishing I never had to go to a Statistics lecture ever again... and NOT because the subject makes me want to bash my head against a wall until I pass out.

Let me get this straight; I am a bundle of extreme shyness and insecurity in person. I find it difficult to start conversations with people, because I think they'll think I'm the biggest freak in the universe. So I'm usually really quiet.

Not last week, but the week before, before my Thursday lecture, this guy started talking to me. It was all friendly, about like, games and shit like that. He was nice enough. I hung out with him during the lecture, and before and during the next lecture the Tuesday after as well. It was pretty cool; he seemed like a nice guy, even if he DID fail Stats last semester (HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, I FEEL LIKE I AM BECOMING STUPIDER EVERY LECTURE I SIT THROUGH).

So, of course, I hung out with him on Thursday, and it was all like it was the other two times. Except this time we both went out for lunch, since, you know, it was lunch time. He started getting kinda close and looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. In hindsight, I remember these two guys looking at us oddly, and I wonder if they realised what was only forming in my head at the time.

Anyway, we walked back, and I didn't have my next class for an hour, so we went to the building which had my class in it, and I played SoulSilver (I'd just gotten it), and we had a sort of on-off conversation, and then, he goes to me, "Do you want to make out with me?"

I usually get people telling me I should have slapped him at this point. To be fair, I think that would have been harsh, although now I wish I had. This made me extremely uncomfortable and upset, and I told him no, though I really don't think I was firm enough about it, and I got really scared about him trying something again. Over the weekend he looked through my facebook and stuff, and it made me feel really... violated, I guess, that someone who made me so uncomfortable could see the photos and videos of me rowing. I've since removed him from my friends.

I meant to talk to him and tell him I wasn't interested on Tuesday before the lecture, but I chickened out, arrived late and sat with one of the girls I've made friends with. And I saw him coming out of the Stats lab this afternoon, and I just felt like my blood ran cold. I didn't say anything to him then either.

I'm scared that the rest of the semester is going to be completed in this fear of him. I don't know what my options are if he decides not to take no for an answer, though seeing as he hasn't tried to re-add me as a friend on Facebook, or try and talk to me again (though, my avoiding him might have something to do with that), I don't know if it'll come to that.

But I'm still... scared. I don't want to be scared to go to uni. I've finally... found somewhere to be myself. I wear my AFI tees, and don't have people ask me /why/ I listen to them, with that tone in that voice like you've done something wrong, like I have to justify why. I can play Pokemon and it won't be just reminiscing about the past, but there'll be other people who're playing it with me because they still love it, just like me. It's like... I've been freed from high school and it's trappings and I don't want to be scared to come here, and make friends that like me for what I am, not what I appear to be.