If you only knew...

Well...I've tried to drown my feelings. I've pushed them back by listening to music, hanging out with friends, working out but in the end, I still feel the same.

Today I was forced to take a look at the bigger picture. (I'm one who pays attention to small bits at a time and NEVER the entire picture.) And it was a scary thing. Someone close to me made me open my eyes and show me the reality that I'm facing in the very near future. I don't know what to do with myself and I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

It's so stressful for me being a senior in high school and having such an unclear future. For me, this is like a death sentence. I usually have everything planned out in my own time frame but this is too much for me. Most of my friends are going off to college in the fall, while I'll still be living at home with no where to go. I don't want to go to school if I don't know what I want to do with myself. I have a few options but only one truly sticks out to me and it's one of those 'hit and miss' type of things. It's not guaranteed to get me anywhere and that scares me. My other interests are the same. Not going to pay the bills.

It hurts me to admit that I'm so lost within myself. It brings me a great deal of pain to be so unsure. I feel like I'm going to have an emotional breakdown any second now and I hate that.

There's only a few things that can bring me down from this and I don't have access to any. My craving for getting stoned out of my mind are running wild right now. Even getting to a 'comfortable high' would ease this but I don't have access to weed and I told myself I'd not do it anymore..

Fuck this noise.

X: Jess Blaqk[DF]