Oh sure, blame the emo kid. How original.

Sometimes it gets really discouraging being afraid of absolutely everything, afraid to go outside or do anything social because I'm afraid of having a panic attack. I can't go in a crowded place without silently freaking out, thinking everyone is judging me. I can't text a friend about something important because I'm terrified of "annoying" them. I always think people are mad at me for no reason, I feel like everything I do is taken wrong, and I dwell on it. And sometimes I'm afraid of things that don't even exist..for example, I can't drive past a cemetary without getting scared and thinking some evil spirit or whatever is going to get me. Sometimes, I'm so afraid of the dark I can't even sleep in my own bed, I get afraid to close my eyes because then it's even more dark. It's so stupid, I hate it. I don't understand why this happens to me. For once in my life, I wish I could just be "normal", free of all my mental problems and stupid phobias. Why can't I just be like everyone else? I can't believe I'm saying that. =/ When I get feeling like this, I try to remember something my friend Ben told me. We were discussing our problems, he has similar issues with phobias and such, like me. I told him about my longing to be normal, and he said something like, we are who we are, problems and all, and no one should ever make us want to change who we are. So I've tried accepting panic disorder as a part of who I am, just like a birthmark or crooked teeth, little flaws we all have but learn to live with. But it's hard to see it like that. I just feel like I'm..defective or something, like a doll that got fucked up in the assembly line and has a lazy eye or something. I know it's not my fault that I'm this way, there's not much I can do about it. I should be able to just accept it, but I can't. It gets in the way of my life, my relationships, everything. I wish it would just go away. I don't know what to do anymore. =/