If you only knew...

I didn't write this out anywhere because I felt that sitting here and writing what comes to mind feels so much more natural to me. I'm sitting here half-baked, trying to think of the proper words to express the sadness that's inside of me. So today was probably one of the worst days I've weathered in a very long time and I'm still drained from the day's worries and stress. I'm not sure where I'm going with life and I feel more scared and alone than ever now...
My boyfriend and I have been growing distant lately and I felt it kind of pulling our relationship apart ever so slowly. I love him very much and when I felt this strain beginning to form, I tried to pull him in closer so I wouldn't lose him. I planned out dates where we could just relax and watch a movie, cute stuff you know?
Well we usually see each other everyday but we didn't see each other at all Wednesday which kind of upset me. He said we would hang out on Thursday. So Thursday comes around and he was texting me until I walked from my house to his to hang out. I asked how he was and he said that he had been better. I asked what was wrong and when he replied, "I'll tell you when I see you." my heart dropped. That to me was a sign that nothing good was up.
On the walk there (after we met up) he told me that the military was looking for him and it was only a matter of time before they were going to find him and take him somewhere. He doesn't know where. (Long story short about the military thing, they fucked up his orders and told him to lay back while they fix it but it was never resolved.) They fucked up and now apparently they are looking for him because he still owes them a year of service or some shit. On the walk to his house I took it well but once we discussed it further when we got to his house, I broke down.
I cried next to him, sitting on the edge of his bed to myself for a few minutes before he wrapped his un-cast arm around me. I cried harder thinking, "I don't know how many more times I will get to be this close to the man I love." I realized that my plans to move with him to Illinois wasn't going to happen. Eventually, I began to cry harder and I wrapped myself around his leg like a child. He caressed me and rubbed my back as I cried and cried for another 20 minutes. Silence only broken with sounds of crying.
I moved and laid my head in the crook of his neck and cried into his shoulder. He knew I was hurting at the thought of being totally alone and not being able to see him. I hate the military with a passion, and I told him how I was engaged before to a military guy and it backfired on me horribly and caused me nothing but heartache in the end. I don't know what triggered it, but at one point he started crying too.
I didn't say anything for a while. I simply wiped and kissed his tears away as they streaked across his face. After about 20 more minutes of silence, I gathered enough strength to ask what was wrong. He shook his head and said, "Nothing." I asked again but he just shook his head. Something was bothering him but he didn't want to tell me.
After I felt that I couldn't cry anymore, I got up and excused myself to the bathroom where I wiped my face and blew my nose before returning to his side. He was still crying but not as hard. Eventually, his older brother walked in and they started talking so I asked to see his phone to send him a picture via bluetooth. Upon opening his cell phone, I noticed that his personal message that usually says "<3Jess<3" said "<3Jazzi<3". (Let me just fill you in real quick. That's his wife. I knew when we got together that he was legally married but he said he didn't talk to her much and that they were separated and going to file for divorce. I even printed off the papers for him so he could file it. I had trusted his word and I knew they texted here and there. I didn't want to be a bitch and say that he couldn't talk to her because they had been friends for so long but...eh.)
I pretended that I didn't see it a first but I think he could tell that I saw it. He took the phone and quickly changed it. He pretended that he needed to do something but I saw when he gave it back, that it had been changed to my name. So, being the way I am, while his brother was talking to him I went through his inbox and saw messages from her saying things like, "I love you too" and "I miss you too." and "I can't wait to have you in my arms again." as well as, "I'm lucky you are mine."
I tried so strongly to hide my anger. I knew that someone wouldn't say "I love you too" unless you said "I love you" to them first. I noted that his inbox had 500 messages, a huge bunch were from her. He'd changed her name in his contacts to her middle name in hope that maybe I wouldn't know who he was talking to. His outbox only had 50. Most were to my phone. It appeared that he would delete the messages he sent to her but would keep others. I saw a few that he had sent that said stuff like "I miss you" and other bullshit. Most wasn't anything like "I love you" but the very last text said something along the lines of "You and me [naked] in a bed. We'll see." I had also seen messages in his inbox about how loud this girl apparently is in bed. My blood was BOILING.
I waited for his brother to leave the room before saying something along the lines of, "So why did your phone have her name on it? I thought mine was up there." He said his mom did it but I knew that was bullshit. I told him I knew something was up with him talking to her and regardless of him being married, I tried really hard to convince myself that he wasn't involved with her anymore. I totally gave it too him. I stood there and bitched at him for at least 45 minutes. I rarely let him talk. I told him how it was gonna be. I at one point, packed up my shit and threatened to leave because he didn't want to tell me the truth. I eventually got him to admit what he had done. He said that he feared that I would leave him so he confided in her because she still wants him. (I guess it's a male ego-boost or something.)
He basically thought I was going to leave him after finding out about the military stuff, so he wanted to know that he wouldn't be alone when I was gone. (Later on he told me he really wanted to be an asshole to me so I would hate him and I wouldn't hurt so much about him leaving.) I made him feel like complete and total shit. He was crying again and he pleaded for me to let him talk. He told me how he felt and I told him that I wasn't going to leave him because of the military stuff.
We talked for another hour or so, trying to figure something out. A game plan. I told him, that if he really wanted to fix this and didn't want to lose me, (He kept crying saying he didn't want to lose me and that he wanted to fix it.) he would have to delete her from myspace and his myyearbook account. He offered to delete his myspace page all together. We walked to my house and I allowed him to borrow my computer. He logged on to his myspace and he asked if I would allow him to delete her and delete the page later after warning his friends that the page would be gone soon. I agreed. I told him first that I wanted him to send her a message telling her that he could no longer talk to her and that he needed her address to send her the divorce papers. He did so. After sending the message, he deleted her. I also watched him delete his myyearbook account.
I told him that he was only to text her saying that he could no longer text her or call her or have any contact with her whatsoever. He said he wanted to call her, while I was there but that he couldn't because she was working. I told him that he had to text her tonight and tell her. He agreed...