A question where the answer isn't 7.
by, 12-13-11 at 05:48 AM (375 Views)
I used to believe I was doing genuine good in my job. It wasn't glamorous by any means, it caused me a lot of stress, but in my heart of hearts I knew I was doing good by way of my clients, and that no matter who was there or what else went on, I, alone if need be, could take care of them as they needed. And on easy nights, as they dissevered. One client in particular, I could do for her more than anyone else, always. She wasn't always happy with me, but that was our relationship. No matter what she did I would come back the next night without fail, and I liked to think she loved me on some level for that. But then I was forced to leave for a time and no one explained to her why, I doubt anyone even attempted, because she's just annoying to all the other staff. She was my best friend, but when I was allowed back, the damage had been done, and I don't think she will ever forgive me for doing what so many others have done. And I will never forgive those who forced me away for destroying what small comfort I was able to give her.
But I accepted what was done, my new clients weren't exactly new faces, and it seemed that I was genuinely helping the new staff I supervised. I even told myself, even as I watched my replacements fail my friend time and time again that they would learn, as I did, and she would have her comfort back...
Things have changed again, utterly, mercilessly. And I tell myself that I will learn and the mistakes and concern I have with entirely new clients and staff are normal and will pass. That I will regain that feeling of doing genuine good again in time. But it will never be the same, I feel that more truly than anything else. My hands are being forced, my council is contradicted, my person constantly questioned. And I am failing my staff and clients when failure is no longer an option, even though the entire institution is failing.
I miss the feeling of doing genuine good, I miss having satisfaction in my job, I miss my friend. Perhaps it is time to move on...