Between birth and dead
This safety is exhausting
by, 01-05-12 at 09:15 AM (748 Views)
I had to tell my plans for traveling this month goodbye. It wasn't a heartbreaking goodbye, there were no tears, there was only apathy. Because, well, this was life the way it had been for months. Making plans, life gets in the way and following through with those plans turns out to be impossible.
There are days were I feel an irresistible urge to get out of this place. It leaves me checking plain tickets, train tickets and hotel costs, comparing those to the lonely numbers on my bank account and taking my dog for a walk through the same old streets of this boring town. It leaves me listening to songs about packing bags and getting out, without actually doing this. Trying to be an adult is harder than I imagined it would be. Planning out a reasonable future is harder than I imagined it to be.
I'm feeling at least six years older than I am. When I was younger, I always envisioned myself to be going to the greatest parties and go and see all bands I felt like seeing at this age. Worst part is, I probably could do that. I just have to give up on a few of my expenses and stop saving money. But some strange thing inside of me is screaming that what I really need to spend my money on is clothing that makes me look like I have a real, well paying job and on newspapers. That same thing tells me that I should not just enjoy drinking whiskey, beer and wine, but also know what I am drinking and that I should be able to tell at least some differences between them. I should probably stop watching the news so much, watching political talk-shows so much, trying to at least know the local politicians and making friends with people twice or thrice my age. I should start being a 19 year old.
Next month, I'm going back to school. Something drastically different from what I did, but maybe that's exactly what I need. I realized this week that I have no clue on how to make friends my age, on what those people like and talk about. Most will probably be younger than me. I am easily annoyed by people who don't know who rule the country, I am easily annoyed by people who think the news is stupid, who rather watch the Jersey Shore. Most of my friends finished college, are in their twenties and have real jobs. The ones that are still in college are the creative people in bands and dancing, who follow an education on that. I have no clue how the real world seems to work. How am I going to make friends there? What do people between sixteen and twenty normally like?
That's the worst part of it. Since when do I care about these things? Since when is a Friday evening on the couch with a good book and a good glass of wine better than going out with friends? Why am I thinking about the future whilst I'm still a kid myself? I want to do stupid things again, take risks. What if I fail?
This safe life is exhausting. I really shouldn't grow up.