You'll Wear Yourself Out
by, 07-24-08 at 09:58 PM (429 Views)
I am very, very bad with people. Not with strangers. I'm surprisingly good at making a nice first impression. I also have no beef with people at school. But oh my God, I am horrible at talking to people who are actually close to me about anything deep or meaningful that isn't theoretical junk like what the meaning of life is. If it's something that will change my relationship status with someone, I will suffer through anything to keep it shoved deep down inside my head, festering and growing out of proportion until I vomit it up onto whoever's nearby in a disgusting brew of self pity and angst. It's become a really big problem in the past few months. And it's really fucked up my relationship with a few of my closest friends.
Well, I've been working on being more clear and straight-up with everyone lately. Even my dad. Yeah. And just now I filled in my ex-girlfriend/bestfriend about my feelings and thoughts...ugh. It's long story, one described in previous, poorly written blogs. I want to delete said blogs, because they are so poorly written...but I'm not sure I'm allowed to. Drats.
So, I opened up to her. Over MySpace, actually, because I'm way too much of a wimp to actually open up over the phone. God forbid I do it in person. And now she is being cryptic and messing with me! Fucking hell!!! It's not that she wants to drive me insane in a mean way...it's that she's the kind of person who thinks it's funny to mess with me when I do something that makes me paranoid and anxious and likely to curl up in a ball and stare at my walls for a few hours.
I kind of deserve it from her. Since I didn't tell her this stuff earlier, several of her relationships got messed up. The one between us included.
So I'm just venting because none of my other friends would really get it because none of my other friends like her much, and they don't understand why I did. Or possibley still do. I don't know what is going on with my life right now. It is crazy!!! This is just the tip of the iceberg that is my screwy social life.