You Didn't Ask
I don't blog.
by, 11-29-08 at 08:49 PM (405 Views)
But I have to say this somewhere, maybe somewhere where somebody might stumble across it and have something to say that would make me feel more secure.
Just within the last year or so, I fully realized that I am a completely gay female. When I was younger, I always would say that I would be in a relationship with a male but would not ever want to have sex with one and I would have sex with women. I didn't take this as being gay, I didn't take this as anything.
When I first fully came to this whole "gay" realization and came out, I was still slightly insecure in my feelings. I thought maybe it was just a phase or maybe it was only for the person I was crushing on or maybe I was just bisexual.
To make an extremely long story short, Kara, the girl (I'm still going to use female pronouns and the female name she still uses, sorry if that bothers anybody but there is no good way to be politically correct.) I was crushing on and I became very close. We eventually ended up dating. Lightyears before we decided to start a romantic relationship, Kara told me that she was transsexual (FtM). When I was told this, it was sort of a shock but not a big deal and didn't at all affect my feelings. She has questioned me multiple times about my okay-ness with her being a transsexual, and my answer has always been that I will love her no matter what. I stand by the fact that I do love her and think this relationship is fantastic.
However, after being totally and 100% accepting and okay with the transsexual deal, I am beginning to be actually worried. I've very recently become completely secure in the fact that I AM gay. There is no desire to be with a man within me. This is where I'm having trouble. I love Kara with all my heart, I do. And deep within me I do believe that I would stay with her before, during, and after transitioning. But on the surface I don't know about these feelings. I don't see Kara as male. It's hard for me to even see Kara as really androgynous (Although, by standards I suppose she is.). When I really stop to think about the fact that there is a male brain in that noggin, I'm at a loss. When I really stop to think about the fact that likely, one day, Kara's outside visual will match the male brain and therefore must appear male to me and to others, I'm again at a loss.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this, because I love Kara. I also know what it's like to have people talk to me and tell me "I think I accept this, I just don't UNDERSTAND this." and have that hurt. I understand the theory behind transsexualism. However, I cannot FEEL inside me the feeling of being transsexual. I want to kick these doubts out of my head but I just can't shake them. Any advice or..anything would be so appreciated right now.